Officer, good evening, allow me to explain
the spectacle you see beside this road.
Itís been a long, hard day, and I am just a victim
of circumstances beyond my control.
Now let me just assure you that Iím not a drinkiní man;
I work hard to uphold the law.
Those people in that other car are friends of my ex-wife,
and no matter what they told you they sawÖ
The car was upside down when I got here;
I left it right side-up some time ago.
Some kids drove by and poured somethiní all down my shirt;
it might have been tequila, I donít know.
I stepped into the woods for a midnight prayer,
I donít know what went down while I was not here,
but that stop sign was on the hood when I bought the car,
and the car was upside down when I got here.
Officer, my reputation speaks for itself,
Iím as innocent and gentle as a child.
That fistfight with my mama, that was three months ago;
I canít believe that's still on my file.
Now a conscientious peacekeeper such as yourself
must surely recognize an honest guy,
and since most of my money goes to charitable causes,
I canít afford a DWIÖ
Burns Brian Tabs